If you Love something…

Saturday mornings are usually dedicated to my long runs.  This time of the year is usually the time that I begin my escalation of miles in order to be ready for my fall races.  Instead I woke up exhausted and irritated by a bombardment of Facebook post generated by a frenemy (real or imagined) that continually posted her annoying and possibly exaggerated feats of miles.  The same runner who just started running only three years ago, but somehow managed to reach "professional runner status".  The one who made me leave one Facebook page to post on another, just so the competition would stop.  Only to find myself competing on the new Facebook page with a whole new “crowd of witnesses.” So I returned to my original Facebook page to make small yet less detailed post of my running.  Nevertheless, I would not be running this morning, no matter the temptation, because I just want to catch up on some sleep.  “Bling” another post!  I realize that I have a tinge of (looking for a better word) “jealousy”, because I want to run!  The mind is willing, but the body is just not cooperating today.  So I roll over exhausted from an extremely long week of classes, studying, driving, papers, motherhood and “just” life.  I hear the sound 

“Bling, 

BLing, 

BLING!!” 

…become increasingly louder in my head again and again and again, and I become increasingly mad! 

 I realize I am “feeling some kind of way.”  OMG, Am I jealous? Yes, I am jealous. 

Ashamedly, I drop my head in disbelief, then a quote drops in my now deflated spirit, “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.”    I was soothed with these words that just came to mind as I continued to wrestle with an overwhelming feeling of  “jealousy!”  

No, I can’t be jealous, I reminded myself  “you are a Christian, a minister, a child of God….I should never feel this way.  

Only God can be jealous!”   

So I begin to enlist my teacher gift and sternly put on my “wordsmith” hat.   I open my laptop and dig feverishly for definitions in order to soften my convictions.  Covetousness… “feeling or showing a very strong desire for something that you do not have and especially, for something that belongs to someone else.”  Nope, not that, I cross this word off my list “not coveting, I am already a runner - this is something that I already have.”  I scramble to the word “Envy” ( involves two parties) is “when you want something someone else has…” Nope not that, I cross this word off.   Not envy: I can’t want her ability to run because I have been running for over 20+ years.”   So, that left me with jealous (involves three parties) which involves the fear of someone taking what we have. “ Omg, I am jealous!” So who is the third party?… is it “the open road, unhindered and all the benefits that come with running?”…I love running and I am too exhausted to go out this morning.  I am irreverently afraid that she will reap the benefits of a relationship that I have spent years developing and coddling.  This was my baby!!  I have surely hit the bottom and I am sad and ashamed.  

There are about 56 Bible verses about “letting go.”   I love quotes but what does God say?  “"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”  (John 3:16)   If  God gave the ultimate sacrifice, why can’t we trust him to take what we have and make it better?  Why should we begrudge someone the very thing that brings us Joy?  Why aren’t we sharing the Joy of running?  Why aren’t we sharing the Love of Christ Jesus? Why can’t we allow someone the opportunity to experience the blessings of God for themselves?    We don’t know why people do what they do, or why they need what they need…even if their motives are less than honorable.  Let go, Let God, Let’s share Jesus.  I believe that God was jealous for the presence of his son, but he had to share and sacrifice him just for a moment.  

“If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.”  As I begin to grapple this morning to correct my feelings, the struggle was concluded with the return of my peace and the jealousy subsided.   My eyes were opened and my hip was a little wrenched…my morning visitation was a wrestling with God.    Not only am I STILL a runner —I am a blogger, a writer and so much more.  Thank you Jesus.

Thank God for ALL his gifts as he wants to bless us with more.   

Perspective of Perception 

My first official Monday on CTS campus began as a mixed bag of chips, coupled with what seemed like amazing ah-ha moments, bouts of kindness and unbelievable attacks.  I sat in my class gently wiping the fingerprints from the lens of my glasses, and then returned them to my face.  The professor began to talk about “function” and “over-functioning” in our prescribed communities.   I laughed quietly to myself, as I thought of my less than perfect vision and it’s adjusted functionality made possible by scientifically prescribed alternatives.  This thought then causes me to meditate on the Apostle Paul.  I am reminded that this Pharisee (then named Saul) was confronted by Jesus on his way to Damascus, because he continued his quest in persecuting Christians which ultimately persecuted the savior himself.  He had a misperception of what the new movement represented.   Ultimately, Saul was “passionately” doing the wrong thing.  I then contemplated how his character, nature and name was changed once he was separated from his association with his chosen or prescribed religious organization.  I began to wonder about (as I often do) about good and bad collaborations,  patterns of action, wrong mindsets, victim mentalities, bouts of self pity, and murderous intention…because of following wrong movements.  I intended to write a wonderful blog today about being in the right place at the right time, but my thinking changed when my day was met with unrest and the absence of peace.  I dealt with bouts of confusion, headaches, episodes of self pity and unclearness, however at the same time, I also experienced moments of serenity, clarity, resolve, unity and appreciation.  So how could these two dynamics reside in the same space?  How could two opposing spirits and agendas seem to battle in the same proximity?  Yet it did.  I had also been reminded of many of God’s stories in the bible throughout the day, Joseph in the morning, Peter/David during Chapel, and Paul in the classroom.  The Bible themes were fitting and telling.  I wondered what was the purpose of these biblical reminders… to lead, to help with discernment, to teach, or a gentle nudging of God’s spirit that says, “…this is the way walk in it” ?    Nonetheless, amidst the themes of struggle and gentle leading… I did want to theorize anything I just wanted to find Jesus and have him clear this whole matter up.  I was in a storm of decisions with the voice of God competing with opposing perceptions.

There are over a hundred verses in the bible that refer to “vision.”  The Lord literally poses the question to Zechariah (5:2) and Jeremiah (1:13) “what do you see,” unveiling their perspectives as well as their perceptions.  Paul’s prescribed perception/perspective was delayed so that the Holy Spirit could remove his reliance on his personal prescribed preceptors.  Paul had to unlearn certain things in order to receive learn the person of Jesus. We are either in the position of Paul (self motivated) or Jeremiah (God dependent) that even in the brightest of places we must still remain in prayer.  As I walked across campus back to class, I remembered that the devil comes as an Angel of light, he suggests and twist opportunities like “did God really say?” and makes one push past God’s timing, especially when an attractive offer is present.   I don’t usually rely on feelings, however at this juncture in my walk, all my senses (perception, insight, feeling, knowledge) are working overtime…prayer is crucial.  If something doesn't feel or appear right, I am no longer in a position to ignore it.  I’ve come to the realization that my honeymoon phase is over in ministry, seminary, and life.  Its time to look at all things with a sober expression.   

Sitting back in the classroom my private thinking begins to subside and I try to refocus my attention on the professor.  The professor concludes the class, ”Are there any questions?” I reach for my glasses, that are now sitting on the desk, and as I lift them up one of the lens drops out and falls to the floor!  I stare down in unbelief at the displaced lens and I am praying that this is God’s way of saying …“you are welcome to see clearly now.”  

Beginnings

     My first blog serves two purposes-

1...to meet a requirement for my Dr. Watkins P612 class- Evangelism, Photography and Social Media...

2... to fulfill a mandate and a call to become Whole in Christ.

     Ironically, I have been posting pictures, writing blogs, teaching scriptures, giving now words, speaking grievances and evangelizing on Facebook since my inception in 2010.   As a matter of fact my very first friend on Facebook called me just before I began this blog.  I began to post on Facebook as an outlet - because I didn't know where and when God would use me in my call.   So like Abraham - I would go to the land(s) God would show me, like tiny puzzles pieces scattered throughout a very narrow path of obedience.   I am thankful for this class because it was not a course requirement, however God expressed to me one night to take "Evangelism" in order to go to the next level in my life and ministry.  So I view this wonderful opportunity as a launch pad... to journey into wholeness in Christ Jesus.  I hope that this 5 week course and my twelve month blog will bless your sock off(s).   I am praying that your shoes are already removed.

Selah